My whole life, I have felt that I was waiting.
Waiting to grow up. Waiting to finish school. Waiting to find a job. Waiting for things to get better. Always waiting, waiting, waiting.
It always felt like “if I could just ________, then I would be ok/happy/successful/fulfilled/etc.”.
But then those things would happen, and I would just feel like I was waiting for the next thing. I grew up (mostly…ha), I finished school, I got a job… but I still didn’t feel ok or happy or successful or fulfilled.
The truth is that my focus was on the wrong things. My mind and heart were focused on things that could never give me satisfaction or fulfillment, at least not in the deep way that my soul desired. There was nothing wrong with anticipating milestones or big events in my life or accomplishments, not at all. The problem was that I was basing my identity on those things. But as the saying goes, we are human beings, not human doings.
I have realized that while it is true…I was always waiting for something specific…that thing wasn’t what I was really waiting for. I was waiting to become who I was meant to be, waiting to step into my purpose, waiting to let myself be fully loved and accepted by my Savior. Waiting to be fully alive.
I am still waiting for things. I’m sure we all are. Right now, the biggest thing I am waiting for is for my album to be finished and released! Among other things…
But this is different. There is peace in this waiting. Why? Because, for the first time in my 34 years, I feel fully alive. What does that mean? I can tell you what it doesn’t mean.
It doesn’t mean things are easy. It doesn’t mean things are perfect or I’ve got it all figured out…far from it. It doesn’t mean that I have accomplished all I’m meant to.
But it does mean that I know who I am, because I know whose I am. There is so much safety and comfort in knowing that my Heavenly Father, who created me, knows me…knows every detail, hears every word, sees my hopes and dreams, understands my pain…and that He loves me. Like….He loves me, in the most perfect, complete way…beyond my understanding. He knows me, and loves me anyway.
I can breathe easy, knowing that comparing myself to someone else – the things they have accomplished, their beautiful family, the way they look, or anything else – is completely meaningless. God didn’t create me to try to be like someone else. He created me to be me. Sara-Mae. I have a unique purpose and destiny. I am learning to love myself and love the journey that I am on, knowing that I am right where I need to be, and I am who I need to be, right now.
And you know what? He didn’t create you to try to be like someone else either. He created you to be you. With your unique purpose and destiny. And what I have learned is that if you let Him, He will walk with you through it all.